I'm angry. SO angry. So mad. The emotional discomfort and the physical discomfort. It's unbelievable. I want to scream for her. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!
How could this happen? WHY did this happen?
Prior to her passing, I felt like I had a spiritual arousal. I had this confidence that I was not alone, that she was not alone, that there was something more, something bigger. That I was safe and she was safe. I read my daily devotional and felt so strongly that it was speaking to me. But now? I feel alone. I feel like that was just a temporary belief to get me through that part of this fucking nightmare. But now? I'm exhausted. I feel BETRAYED by it all. How could alllllll this shit happen and I feel no presence, no care, no relief? Was it all a false belief? Am I missing something here?
I had this belief that I would feel her presence. That she would be near me. But I feel NOTHING. Nothing. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. It goes through my mind, my thoughts, over and over again. And part of me thinks this is just how it is.
Maybe this is just a dark phase. Maybe I'll think otherwise in 3 months...in a year...
