When the world stands still

My world came to a screeching halt on September 6th. The brakes had been on for several weeks...Mom not feeling well, not feeling right, really rundown, blood work abnormal, CT Scan, masses, biopsy...

The phone call from Mom made everything come to a complete standstill.

"It's Stage 4 cancer."

Seriously? How is this even possible? This is not how my life is supposed to go. This is not how things should be. She's supposed to be here. This isn't fair. This is wrong. Why is this happening?

My heart is broken. Absolutely fucking broken. I'm out of breath, yet still breathing. There's a constant lump in my throat. I feel only brief and infrequent moments of weightlessness until I remember. Until I realize that one of my greatest fears in life is currently my reality. That nothing will ever be the same. That my Mother will soon leave this Earth. The woman that I have loved, adored and admired all 29 years of my life. The woman that gave me love, comfort, laughs, smiles, and so much more since before the day I was born.

Why didn't the fucking chemo do anything? Why couldn't she have experienced any relief AT ALL? Why has she had to go through so much pain and discomfort? Why did this all happen so fast? Diagnosed in September and hospice in November...really?

I try to see the silver lining, to have faith that this is part of God's plan, to believe that the best is yet to come for her, that her eternity is better and greater for her than her life here, than my selfishness to want her here so damn badly. But my heart hurts, my frustration and anger rage, and I cannot come to peace with this. I'm not sure that I ever will.

And I absolutely cannot handle the fact that the world still spins. I'm so angry that everyone can just go about their lives, that this doesn't affect them, too. How unfair is that? Talking about how great things are, how awesome everything is. About how they had such great time doing this or doing that. Maybe I'm most upset with those that I thought would be more sympathetic, the people that I thought would be checking in, offering support, just plain old asking. They aren't. Are they pulling away? Unaffected? Unable to handle their own feelings with this?

Even so, I can't shake the feeling, the realization that I am stuck. Stuck in this damn nightmare. There is false (or perhaps very little real) joy in celebration of anything. I will always have a scar on my heart, my soul even. Life events are now marked with "before Mom got sick or after Mom got sick" and will be marked with "before Mom passed or after Mom passed".

What will it be like when she's gone? What will the pain be like then? Surely it cannot be less than it is now. Will it be then that my world actually stops? And I will feel shattered instead of just 'broken'? I can barely stand this pain now, how can I possibly manage anything greater?

Direction

I've always had an itch to write. When I was little I wrote cute, adorable, creative stories. The kind that come out of my keepsake box and I thank heavens for my wonderful parents and grandparents that made my believe I should win a Pulitzer prize for my work.  In my awkward teenage years, I attempted to write a book. To date myself, I only saved it to a disk. No, not a CD, a disk. This was an attempt to shield it from all other eyes, heaven forbid my Mom would read it and get to the part where the girl finally gets kissed by her crush. Goodness... I think the story fizzled after that scene. And as far as I know I'm the only one that ever read it.

Fast forward to 20 some years later and I still get that itch. A yearning for a creative outlet so to speak (...especially since I can't draw, which is why architecture turned out to be my minor not my major). Sometimes I think I have intelligent, thought provoking things to say and other times I'm just curious if anyone out there cares to listen. I don't mean this in a dramatic way, just curiosity if my words have weight, if they could carry an audience.

And that is why I am here. To get creative. To share. To see what happens with this.

And as excited as I am about the potential of this, part of me is shy and nervous and embarrassed. If I expose myself here, who am I comfortable sharing this with? Only strangers? Only close friends? I mean, I literally just thought about telling my husband about this and was hit with a pang of embarrassment. Perhaps self confidence should be a future topic.

But what do I even want to talk about? Should my posts be deep and reflective, like my first post? Which maybe wasn't very deep and reflective or perhaps a little heavy for THE FIRST POST. Should I talk about fitness? Food? Should I keep it light and be humorous? How much should I share?

You'll probably hear a lot about my dogs because they are awesome, adorable, and I just cannot help myself from talking about them. Maybe you'll hear about my back and forth Paleo and not so Paleo diet. Or my evolving opinions on exercise and fitness. And maybe once I tell Hubby about all this I'll talk about him and our marriage, or maybe you'll hear about it up until I tell Hubby about it. Maybe you would enjoy 'day in the life posts'. Not that my days are CRAZY exciting, but I always find them entertaining. Perhaps I'll talk about my new quest to be totally fashionable or my quest to make my home adorable and put together.

No sense in trying to predict the future, I'll just see where this goes...

___ing

Making : our master bedroom more romantic
Cooking : only if I cannot avoid it. Summer tends to leave me appetite-less and uninterested in food. Apparently I stocked up enough throughout the winter. 
Drinking : lots of h2o, iced coffee in the morning
Reading: Hardly. I just read the Sunday paper last night
Wanting: more time with my hubs and more leisure time
Looking: like I need a haircut
Playing: music
Wasting: daylight on finishing Season 2 of Orange is the New Black. I'm not sure if it's TRUE wasting though because I am cuddled up on the couch with the dogs. 
Sewing: Not sewing. 
Wishing: I didn't have to work
Enjoying: The weekends 
Waiting: for the weekends
Liking: the weather we've been having lately. Hot, but not unbearably so and not too humid
Wondering: What will come in the last half of the year... many exciting things on the horizon! 
Loving: My Starbucks water tumbler. It's amazing and I love it.  
Hoping: for a quiet and relaxing weekend
Needing: More snuggles in my life
Smelling:a banana peel that belonged to the banana I just ate
Wearing: Fitted black capris, black wedges and a white top with black polka dots. 
Noticing: that my left eye finally stopped twitching. 
Knowing: I have a bunch of things that I should get done around the house after work
Thinking: about napping after work today
Feeling: groggy and ready to be done with work for the day 
Opening: big files at work. 

Let it go.

Life happens. It happens whether we want it to or not. It happens if we are holding onto the past or looking ahead to the future. It happens when you are waiting for something, anything. It happens when it feels like the world should stand still. You can't stop the future from coming and you can't relive the past. The should haves, would haves, could haves of the past, may be all that you feel, but life still happens.

Nearly halfway through 2014 and I am reflecting on all the 'life' that has happened so far this year. I've experienced sadness, hurt, sorrow, fear, joy, happiness, turmoil, discomfort, excitement, and confusion. Loved ones have been through sickness and health, loved ones have passed, life lessons have been learned, memories have been made.  I've received things I didn't ask for and many things I have. Everything happened whether or not I was waiting for it, expecting it, or preparing for it.

Let. It. Go. This most definitely has been my mantra for the year.  So simple, but so powerful. I'm the kind of person that holds on. In the past these three words didn't make any sense to me. Why would I just let it go and forget about it? How can I just let go and forget about it? I hurt  too much, I feel too guilty, I feel too bad, I'm too angry, I'm too confused, etc. But I'm learning letting it go isn't that. It's permission to accept and be. Permission to move on. Permission to acknowledge all that's going on, that it makes me uncomfortable and it makes me feel, but I do not need to carry it around with me and allow it to dictate me.  Permission to live each moment of the day. To not allow yesterday's troubles to carry into today. To not allow my worries for the days ahead to fill up the day in front of me.

How much have I missed from only hearing the noise of what can't be changed or prevented?

So. I'm learning to let it go. Realizing that life happens. Cherishing each day. Feeling blessed for each moment, each gift, each memory, each experience. Filling up with the good, exhaling the bad and just letting it go.